uh - oh

I can feel the temptation rising in my veins. I need to break free, to run, to move, to shake. I am thinking of things I know I shouldn't. I pick up my phone, I ring and he doesn't answer and I breathe a sigh of relief; even though I called, I wasn't so sure I wanted to talk to him, REALLY talk to him. I feel like I'm in a never-ending loop of sleep; up ever so late, sleeping ever so late.. Waiting, anticipating, for I'm not sure what.

Reliving his fingers inside me last night; I feel ever so stupid but I do feel alive. Every so often I NEED to break free from my constraints that I put so heavily upon myself, and just accept the fact that I need to be human. Sometimes. 

Part of me craves the human affection I believe I need right now..  and the biggest part of my brain screams, RUN AWAY, now.. I am happy on my own.. I think. I have been told recently that I'm a commitment phobe.. I think this is true but my reasoning behind this is one of self-loathing.. I can't let anyone else in until I love and know myself completely and I don't see the huge problem in this. 

I am self aware enough now, to know I need this time to be alone. 

Hmm..

Question time! Post your answers below, s’il vous plaît!

[courtesy of galadarling]

1. Who is your favourite musician, NOT in terms of talent or aptitude, but based on pure sex appeal?

Jim Morrison. Man, was he sexual. He just exuded sex; I'll bet he smelt like sweat, leather and sex.. Mmmm.. Pity he was a train wreck.

2. What were some quirks of your past lovers that drove you crazy?

Not putting the toilet seat down. Cold feet, in my bed. Hogging of pillows. SNORING. Bad taste in movies. Being told I looked better without makeup; I like to wear it so SHUT IT!!

3. If there was a movie made about your life, what song would you absolutely INSIST be on the soundtrack?

Ironic - Alanis Morrissette and Someone Like You - Van Morrison; Perfect Day - Lou Reed

4. What is your favourite quote right now?

"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans."

"Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted. " 

Both by John Lennon <3

you can't save the damsel, if she's in love with the distress.

Hearts will never be

 practical

Until they are made

 Unbreakable

--The Wizard Of Oz

wednesday; 2/06/2010

Listening - Jeff Buckley; haunting, he will always be a favorite. The Clash, in the car driving home from uni with my best friend.  Leonard Cohen; I'm dying to go see him. I want to go by myself; I need a good transcendental experience. The Kinks, as usual. 


Reading - I can happily say absolutely nothing! Just finished up uni for the semester; although I am going to be a nerd and read all my books for NEXT semester.. Exams are done and I have 2 months off. 

Watching - Downloading the Hurt Locker; Watched Brothers with Natalie Portman and Tobey Maguire; was pretty sad but very well done. Also watching the fourth season of Girls Next Door; and waiting for the third season of True Blood!!
 
Buying - food shopping; dried apple pieces; loads of chocolate milk hahaha!
 
Wanting - to have a decent sleep; not been sleeping very well of late; I believe it's due to exams but I can't keep chewing down Valerian; I'm going to overdose sooner or later.

Trying - To stay positive. To keep my chin up. To feel things again, deeply. To not fall back in love with an ex. To sleep. To be patient and tolerant and to not want to smoke weed.

Loving - My makeshift family; my dog, my mum and my best friend. My old friends from far away and long ago. <3
 
Planning - A night out soon. I want/need a drink soo badly, after exams I feel extremely tired and stressed. To buy myself a ticket to Leonard Cohen and go alone.

& we're not the same people we once were.

We are shaped and fashioned by what we love.

Tarot Readings; 30th of May

Card 2 (The Chariot) : What you most want at this moment  »

The cards suggest that what you most want at this time is success, to win and not give up the fight. You are successful and assertive in most things, or if you haven't quite got the success you want, you will get it. This is a time of movement and change - expect a journey relating to work, or if you want that car you've been looking at, go get it.

Card 4 (Death) : What is going for you  »

A time of absolute endings and brand new beginnings, your life is going through a period of great transformation. Whilst it may be difficult or even painful you will pull through. You will be free for a brand new phase in your life.

 

they say the devil's water; it ain't so sweet

happy?

It's hard being left behind.. It's hard being the one who stays.

Do you have self-respect?
- yes, i do. it grows as i get older; i become more centered and happy within myself.

Favorite "little kid" movie?
- elf! hahaha it's just so funny. flight of the navigator, the wizard of oz and willy wonka & the chocolate factory.

Is confidence cute?
- confidence is sexy, its a personal sexiness though.. cute means quite young, to me. innocent even, you need to be mature to have self-confidence.

Have you been disappointed in the past three days?
- only in myself, due to studying for my exams.

What are you listening to?
- a beautiful motown playlist; jimmy ruffin - what becomes of the broken-hearted?

How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?
- 0

Have you ever been caught skipping class?
- yes, all the time when i was younger.

Have you ever kissed in the rain?
- hmmm... no.

Your hair color?
- mousey brown/blonde.

Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?
- gemmah; my best friend.

The last time you felt broken?
- god knows.

Do you still talk to the person who broke your heart the most?
- no.

Do you have someone who you can be your complete self around?
- gemmah.

What is your background on your phone?
- playboy bunnies.

Do you follow your head or your heart?
- head. mostly.

Does anyone know your password besides you?
- ummm, no i don't think so.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn't do?
- oh yeah.

If someone wanted to tell you how they felt, would you listen?
- i guess.

Do you like falling asleep to the sound of the rain?
- sometimes. makes no difference, really.

How'd you get your last bruise?
- i have no idea.

What is your hair looking like right now?
- in a bun. a very messy bun.

Are you going to sleep in tomorrow?
- no, i have to study.

Do you remember what you wore last night?
- black yoga pants, boots and a leather jacket hhahah not very matchy.

tarot readings..

Card 5 (The Devil) :
What is going against you »

It's like you're in a drug-induced haze - it feels great and always
leaves you wanting more. This is addiction pure and simple, whether
it's an obsessive sexual relationship, money deals that are too good to
be true, materialism at any cost or recreational drugs. Take care - it
won't lead to a happy ending.

spooky. I'm steering clear now!
♥

Baby: Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you.


Johnny: Nobody puts Baby in a corner.


Johnny: Sorry for the interruption, folks, but I always do the last dance of the season. This year somebody told me not to. So I'm gonna do my kind of dancin' with a great partner, who's not only a terrific dancer, but somebody... who's taught me... that there are people willing to stand up for other people no matter what it costs them. Somebody who's taught me about the kind of person I wanna be. Miss Frances Houseman.

Listening - A whole bunch of fabulous 80's tunes. Diana Ross and the Supremes (it reminds me of my Nanna). Pat Benetar - She just fucking rocks! A bit of Prince as well.. Cindi Lauper, Nena, Kate Bush.
Reading - Catching up on my gossip magazines of late.. University text books and I'm also studying old exam papers.
Watching - Finishing up with the third season of Weeds, looking forward to buying the fourth next week or so. Just about to start with the L word, heard so much about it. Watched another favorite movie of mine last night (Almost Famous) to quote the famous band aid Penny Lane ("I always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if you never take it seriously, you never get hurt, you never get hurt, you always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends.")
Buying - The usual cosmetic shite, dinner for my mum for mother's day :).
Wanting - A good strong hug, with a man who smells nice and has long arms.
Trying - To live and learn things on my own. To figure out what I truly want in this life. To keep things together in my head.
Loving - My best friend. Dearly. And my dog - she's a gold star in this shit world. Love to her. Always.
Planning - To visit England and study. Or go to Thailand.

get outta my dreams!

When I look within my self, I like to think I'm a decent person, most of the time. I'm slowly learning that even though I pride myself on being open, non-judgmental and accepting, there are times when I shock myself.

I found out recently that an ex-boyfriend of mine has been diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic lymphoma - in other words, he has leukemia and there's a possibility that he may not make it through.

It should be noted that he's married, and he has a 2 year old son. Since speaking with him, I found out that he's no longer married; she's run off with another man. He rarely gets to see his son. he wants to meet up with me and I have said no.

I feel guilty. why? We never had a very substantial relationship. I believe it centered around cocaine and kinky sex. Sigh, this blog has no point, I really just need to vent.

I believe I participated in a karaoke duet with some very hairy bikers last night, and this I find hilarious. I also ate a rather large kebab, and I'm still picking lettuce out of my clothes.
My best friend is a jewel. I love her.

Work is driving me mental. I can't stand the place right now; I want to leave as soon as I arrive. The place and people is completely toxic.

Lastly, I'm so fucking tired. I want to sleep forever.

recent learnt life lessons (say that real fast)

1. returning to fix things that seem to be already broken, is never a good idea.

2. some people, are toxic, but you have to deal with them anyway.

3. you can never tell a good friend what to do.

4. work is hard. uni is a pain in the ass. together, both are treacherous.

5. just about everyone i know takes some form of recreational drug.

sigh.. i'm not up with the cool shite these days.

everytime you go away, you take a piece of me with you.

just lately, I've been trying to rekindle something that was once a passionate affair. It became clear to me that things do not turn out just because you want them to. This hurts.

my inner child reappears!

listening to: the bangles (manic Monday) - perfect song for me right now!
99 luft balloons - oh how it makes me groove
true - spandau ballet
wuthering heights - kate bush.. I was at my best friends house late one night; she youtubed this and I fell in love.

reading: lady Gaga biography, I absolutely admire this bitch, completely.

buying: colored bat-wing shirts. wearing with grey and black zipped leggings.

watching: WEEDS oh my lord.. This is an experience.